Renewed

Writer's Note: This is the edited version of "The White Man's Expectations" (see article below) as published in the Philippine Daily Inquirer on 28 June 2007


My friends and i experienced a spiritual renewal during the last summer vacation. We all agreed to attend a three-day retreat for the youth in a nearby town one week before the start of classes. The retreat was sponsored by a church organization in our parish.


Since the retreat came free of charge, I did not expect too much from it. I knew more or less why and how retreats are conducted.


When the day came for the start of the retreat, all the preconceptions I had were shattered in an instant. I came prepared to endure less than comfortable accommodations, but I was totally surprised when I saw the other participants. Most of them were younger than me, and I was worried that the difference in our ages would cause conflict among us. Most of them were out-of-school youths, and I wondered about the quality of their participation in the scheduled activities, given their low educational attainment. And since they were out-of-school youths, I knew they came from the lower socioeconomic strata and I was afraid they would behave as shabbily as their shanties looked.


With all these fears and prejudices entering my mind, I actually considered backing out of the spiritual retreat instead of spending three days and two nights in such company. If not for my friends, who were themselves secretly feeling what I felt, I would have packed up my things and returned to the comfort of our home.


But then I remembered that God has a plan for everything and I thought this was His way of testing and teaching me. I decided to stay.


The three days of the retreat quickly passed and before I knew it I had experienced an amazing renewal. I did not feel the spiritual growth I was expecting, but something of greater significance took place: I matured as a person and as a child of God.


My transformation began right on the first day of the retreat. After introducing ourselves, I realized that I was as immature and as silly as they were. I may be older by a year or two, but our love for fun, for learning and for love itself were the same. After all, my generation is also their generation.


We talked a lot, shared a lot. I learned things I would never have learned in my undergraduate studies or even in graduate school. I discovered the resiliency and resourcefulness of the Filipino people in them as well as their sorrows and their joys. I witnessed how they really had fun doing simple things like singing and dancing and how they could laugh together about almost anything.

We ate at one table and slept in one room. I realized that most of the satisfaction we get from having our basic needs fulfilled comes from the affection of the hand that provides them and the people we share them with. Yes I can eat and sleep alone. I can have a feast and rest in my own room if I want to. But these are just byproducts of the love that worked to provide them.


I had come to believe that I was not expecting too much from the things that came my way. But deep inside me, the norms, standards and principles were present even if I refused to acknowledge their existence. Because I was so used to living with them, they became a natural part of me, almost like instincts.


I have another question: How many people in this planet think like me before I stepped into the retreat house? How do I share this lesson with others? And will they learn just by reading or hearing this? Must everyone “suffer” to gain sight of the harsh but beautiful reality? Am I maturing or am I simply getting old when I say these things?


For the time being, I will leave these questions unanswered because there is another thing that disturbs me: Is it instinctive also for a civilized or, at least, an educated person to bear this burden? Right now I strongly feel I should reach out to others, especially those who are poor, and somehow help lift them out of their sad situation. But the bigger question is: How do you help someone who is not asking for help?


I guess I should not expect too much from myself lest I lose sight of reality.